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It was my fault he was gone, dead from a car accident on his way to my house. I'd lost my mind all over again. I would keep punishing myself until either the guilt left me, or I collapsed in on myself like a magnetar – dead, but continuing to destroy everything that came too near.In my dream, I was in one of Damien's favorite positions: bent over his desk, legs spread wide with my ankles tied to the desk legs. My torso was stretched across the desk top and my arms were spread, wrists secured to the opposite desk legs. Head turned to the side, my cheek pressed against the cold desk top.I reflected on myself as I waited for Damien to return with his bag of implements. My anxiety ran high, not because I was nervous for my session with Damien, but because that was my normal state of mind. Crippling anxiety. That goddamn mental illness that had driven me to wild nights of binge drinking and casual hook ups all over campus. When Damien took me home from a house party one night, I'd already. I rocked her and stroked her head softly. I kissed the top of her head and told her it was going to be OK. "Daddy's here, Princess. It's OK now, it's over." I wiped the tears from her cheeks as her sobbing ebbed. I rocked her for a while longer, stroking her head. She was almost asleep when I put my finger under her chin and looked her in the eyes. I kissed her lightly on the mouth. "It's time for your rules now, Sweetie. Get down on the floor on your knees and place your hands behind your head. Look at me as I'm talking to you." She looked up at me and I began. "I think you've learned that insolence and disregard for order in this house will be met with severe punishment. You will not question anything I tell you to do, just do it. Keeping the house clean and doing the laundry is your responsibility. I will 'help' you to learn how I like it done. If things are not as I like them you will be punished. When I have company, I will give you instructions as to your behavior for the.
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