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I got out of the door and the street was fairly busy with the usual Friday night revelry and I could not see Chrissy. I called Lorraine, but it went to answer machine. I said ‘If you’re there, pick up, I really need to talk to you.’ The phone clicked and Lorraine’s concerned voice said ‘What’s happened? Is Chrissy OK?’ I replied tentatively ‘Er…no, not really, she ran out of the restaurant on me and I can’t find her anywhere in the street. I’ll check the taxi rank and the bars, but I think she is heading for home. If she turns up there let me know and I’ll make my way back.’ ‘What happened, did you say something to her to upset her?’ She was starting to sound angry now, which I did not need on top of everything else. ‘I told her a joke…it’s a long story, the main thing is to find her, if she turns up let me know. In the meantime please don’t jump to too many conclusions.’ ‘Sorry, I just feel a bit protective toward her at the moment. Call me if you find her, and I’ll call you if she. She stared at it for a few minutes before actually writing anything. Guilt ridden, she wrote these words: I am a slave to the pain and taste, feel and touch of sex. I breathe humiliation being thrust upon me like a child being chastised. Will the Lord ever forgive me for this habitual transgression – this lust of the flesh? I feel as though I can’t shake it. Every time I think I want to let it go, I give in and give up and let the pain, not the dominant, act as my master. Will this internal struggle ever end for me? It calls out to me in the middle of the night when I am lonely. I can’t believe I actually thanked God for bringing Cassius into my life because he enjoyed giving pain as much as I enjoyed receiving it. It’s a crying shame to say I can not see a day when I will let go of this thrill and rush I get with every infliction of pain to my body. Help me, Lord! The clock on the night stand next to Cassius displayed in large red numbers the time of two in the morning, so she.
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