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Chapter 1: Clearing My HeadTo be honest, this all started because I had that dream again. Thedream that starts with my wife and I leaving the hospital with ournewborn daughter, Rachel and ends with me on the ground, shieldingRachel from the gunfire. I always look to my left, just as I did on thehorrible day, and I always see my lovely wife Sarah on the ground nearme. Her eyes become glassy as her life bleeds out from the hole in herhead. That's when I wake up screaming, every single time.That's how I went from being happily married with a big future, to anervous wreck. Counseling didn't help. I've seen three differentpsychiatrists who kept trying to tell me it wasn't my fault. But itwas. I asked Sarah to give me Rachel so I could put her in the carseat.She said yes, and turned to thank the nurses from the maternity ward.That's when the gunshots came. They never told us what happened. All Iknow was that my wife and two doctors died.Everytime I have the dream, I wake up sweating. So. I just knew that there was something diff…unusual about this call….And I gave in to my curiosity….” Then in a rush, she began explaining that she was so sorry; she never would do it again, never had done anything so outrageous; she really wasn’t a nosy or prying person; she wouldn’t ever tell anyone…and similar. Finally, after a pause she said almost tearfully, “Please, I need this job; and if you report what…they’ll fire me immediately; and I won’t be able to find another job that fits my needs. So, basically I’m begging you not to report me.”In what I hoped were reassurance with a reassuring smile, I said that she need have no fear; that I had no wish to exacerbate the unemployment statistics; that while I couldn’t imagine what had fired her imagination, it was most likely that with a reversal of circumstances I’d have listened too. She thanked me saying, “I really can’t say what made me do it.” I laughed at that. “I understand what made you do it. It was the same thing.
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