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Instruct her to leave her knickers off when she is ready.THE NEARLY-THAT-TIME TIME:Let her get into the bed whilst you are not in the room. Don’t frighten her by walking into the room naked, and if you want to strip off, do so on the opposite side of the bed so she can avert her eyes from your willy (willies scare many virgins until they get to know them personally).THE NOW-WE’RE-ABOUT-TO-START-TIME:Don’t forget, the virgin will be used to doing this on her own, not having somebody else do it for her. You will probably need lots of practice and regular sessions. Have Document A(a) on hand for any mishaps, or Document B just in case.Lie her on her back under the sheets (make sure she’s finished her milkshake and had enough time to get bright pink facial cheeks - this is how you know she is tipsy and therefore more relaxed). Lie next to her on your side, so that you can kiss her face and neck. Place your hand on her nearest inner thigh.Be kind to her. Tell her how you feel about her. “So what?” said the Krampus. “Who cares? What’s the gag? Is your liver all empty, is your tent pole all sag?”Here there came some grumblings from the pews and those who felt this wasn’t necessarily appropriate talk for a church. The Krampus spoke louder:“And who here can judge you, from amongst this cabal? Who has the right to scorn you at all? For I see in all hearts where the embers still burn; I see those who lust, and who ache, and who yearn.“And it’s good that they yearn, and it’s good that they lust. It’s good that you’re flesh and you’re blood and not dust. For I swear to you now, lust’s as old as mankind. Take one from the other, and both would unwind.”“But isn‘t it a sin?” a voice asked.“What‘s a sin?” said the Krampus. “What’s a rule? What’s taboo? They’re nothing but words, and I’ve got words too. My words are as good as a vicar’s, at least. As good as a Bible’s, as good as a priest’s. And for Christmas, well hell, I’ll tell you now folks, the best gift on Christmas is the.
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