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However, Sweeney had been present at the scene of my 'crime' and so was unable to take part in any legal action against me, other than that of a witness. It had therefore been decided that I would be dealt with by a General Court Martial, to be convened at HQ BAOR, at Mounchengladbach. The irony that I would be facing a court martial at the same venue where Ffion would have been meeting the NAAFI Regional Director, prior to joining me in a Cologne hotel for 48 hours of untrammelled sex, was not lost on me.Meantime I was placed under open arrest, which meant I couldn't leave the barracks, and I had to be accompanied by another SNCO whenever I left my room; it also meant that I couldn't carry out my duties as a platoon sergeant. I kicked my heels for five days before I was taken, in No 2 Home Dress with medals, to face the music in front of the court.It was during those five days that I heard that Probert was even deeper shit than me. He had been charged with causing an affray,. It wasn’t social acceptance I needed, but self-acceptance. I could tell myself I wouldn’t do it, but deep down I knew I would succumb to my dark desires. They made me feel dirty and ashamed, but horny as well. It felt degrading and naughty, yet it fulfilled some need I didn’t know I had, some identity that had been kept secret from myself. This part was very liberating and exciting. Nonetheless, when I took out or answered an ad, I felt adrenalized, even shaking. Why did I force myself to do this? If they responded, I was excited, yet terrified. If they didn’t, I felt disappointed and discouraged, but relieved. If I accepted, I would think about it all day, with a knot in my stomach. Yet, when it came time to meet, I half felt like canceling or bailing out, but did not do so. When we did meet, I was just fine, after all, I had done this before, and enjoyed it, so what’s the big deal? I decided to give it one last try, do everything, satisfy my curiosity, and get it out of my.
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