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I don’t remember anything we passed, as we walked, and I don’t remember when Steven took my hand in his. --- At dinner Steven was his normal self. He was bounding with energy and smiles. He was making fun of us and how badly we spoke French. We ordered food that we couldn’t pronounce, and worse, we didn’t know what it was. We drank the house wine which never seemed to run out. Finally, we had dessert of Crème Brulee and some flaming dessert that we didn’t order. When we walked out into the night, Paris was different. The City of Love had woken up. Lights were on everywhere and the city was glowing. Couples were walking arm in arm and hand in hand. Steven and I walked around the city holding hands, and looking at all the tourist sites for what seemed like hours. The playfulness of earlier seemed to be gone. It was replaced with something different. The touch of his fingers entwined with mine felt like it belonged. Even when we got on the elevator to the hotel room Steven held my. After that I have cognisance of very little except the interminable wait at a south London police station before my parents arrived, looking shaken and distraught, and doing their best to pour oil on troubled waters. The divorce was bitter and protracted. Marcus hired top-notch lawyers to argue his case and they did their level best to paint me as a hysterical obsessive with lesbian tendencies (Marcus had obviously hired his own team of PI’s). With a wonderful twist of irony it was the weekend after I confronted Marcus and Josie at her flat that I discovered I was pregnant. I told no one, not even my mother. I’ll never know if it was the fact that I was barely eating at the time, or the fact that I was drinking heavily, or just the natural course of events, but I lost the baby less than three weeks later. So there it was. I couldn’t hold my man or my child. In my mind I was a failure as a wife and a failure as a mother – overall a failure as a women. The world became a pretty dark.
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