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It's either that or let me go." I started walking back the way we had come waiting for the bullet that would end my life. They didn't shoot. I walked about five blocks before turning down a street and then hiding. All I had was my fanny pack and the empty holster.I decided that I was going to fight. I started back along a side street very slowly watching for any signs of a trap. I went into houses looking for anything that I could use. I wanted my pistol back. I also wanted a rifle and ammunition for it. I found a baseball bat so I carried it.This time, I found them first. I found their prisoners, too. They had four women and two men under guard. The guard was the one who knifed Benita. Not even the prisoners were looking when I jumped the guy. I tried to hit a home run with his head connecting behind his right ear. The crunch was sickening. He fell slowly to his knees. I didn't give him a chance. I swung the other way catching him behind his other ear. He fell motionless bleeding. I beg his forgiveness for my sinful thoughts.Lord, why do you torture me—I ask in the lord’s prayer ‘and deliver us not into temptation, deliver us from evil’ it says plainly. Why do I enjoy these dreams?In my little red journal I wrote a lot about sex, a lot about God, and very little about my real life. Real relationships seemed impossible.Everyone knew me as the prim and proper girl who liked learning. Even among the nerd boys, I seemed an off limits alien. At one point, I shared chemistry class with five of them from my core friends group. They made naughty jokes and seemed genuinely surprised that I wanted to be included. They lightly flirted with me; mostly finding excuses to touch me during labs. Even so, none of them thought to make an actual move. They preferred, from my perspective, to ogle at a pretty, popular girl on the other side of the classroom, whom they had no shot with. I was fun to hang with and make fun of, but not worth pursuing. My lab partner, nicknamed Big.
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