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You were desperate.”“That’s what I told myself at the time, but I caused Peter so much suffering, and I’m sure I stayed away too long because John was so comforting. That was selfish.”“Darling, John was a real respite, no wonder you wanted to stay with him.”“Ellen!’ Claire spoke sharply and admitted more in her exasperation than she perhaps wanted. “I wanted him physically in the worst way after I stayed the first time.”“So?”“I was unfaithful, Ellen, in my mind,” Claire sat back in her chair. “In any case, John is so bound up in my guilt at the way I treated Peter, and how wrong I was to use John as I did, I think...”Ellen suddenly had fire in her eyes. “God! You and John! You want him but you feel guilty, he probably wants you but he’s in the rôle of the understanding relationship guru, the perfect gentleman who won’t intrude! You two are made for each other, you’ve both been widowed. What’s wrong with you Claire?”“I don’t know!” she moaned. “He was ... He didn’t make any move on me. At the age of fifteen, I was thin and had a rather pale, melancholic complexion. My natural air of melancholy was often mistaken for unhappiness caused by some trouble, hence my fellow students always tried to cheer me up in vain. I knew exactly the cause of this melancholy: I was in love, not with a particular person, but with the notion of love and masculinity. My burgeoning body longed to be touched, kissed, dominated. Its thirst demands to be quenched by a virile body. Every night, in the dark silence of the night, my hand would caress my entire body and experience the unknown excitements of new territories. I would pause for a long time at my penis, wondering at its changing shape, the hard, powerful phallus in contrast with the softness of the balls, I would gently touch it first, moist as if between the crimson lips of a blooming youth, then strike it violently, my whole body and mind borne u*********sly to the bottom of the darkness by an uncontrollable whirlwind of passion..
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