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’ My brother. The fuck-twit. It’s not that bad to have a habit of sucking one’s thumb. I have friends who didn’t stop until they were in their late teens. Occasionally I wake up to find my husband, also a childhood thumb-sucker, going to town on his 27-year-old thumb. My fever, which was now blazing onto my cheeks, spilling over onto the red vinyl tablecloth wasn’t about sucking my thumb. The true depravity was in my gaga. I have gone through several gagas [pronounced Gah-Gah, like MaMa, only with a hard G sound.] over the years. After the crimson fires swallowed my first gaga I simply made another one out of one of my mother’s shirts. It was silky, something put out for a yard sale. I had this gaga, gaga #2 for years before it was shredded down to the size of a napkin. My third gaga was a red and black striped silk blouse I wore in the sixth grade, which also fell apart. My gagas, which I now call ‘rags’ are like a part of me. People have odd habits. Some eat boogers. I’ve known. And, if the internet wasn’t available, I would write out a description of myself and what I was into, along with my address, and leave the papers in places I figured men would find them.When I turned 18, I got my first digital camera, and started taking nudes of myself, and at the time, it was risky enough just putting those online. But of course that wasn’t enough for long, and I would start adding my personal information, and begging to be victimized one way or another. Again, nothing like that happened, thankfully.Then I met the guy I would eventually marry, and had my first time with him. He indulged my rough sex fantasies a bit, which was exciting for a while, but he didn’t approve of me sharing my pictures or chatting with guys, so I stopped. For about six months. Then started again... same stuff over and over.My husband was controlling, manipulative, and eventually physically abusive (though I left before that got too bad), and I turned further into the self exposure stuff as a.
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