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One more horrid than the other. But they are not allowed into the shelter of my brain. They must stay outside. Let them huddle under that carport over there. Or at the bus stop. Get lost, you damn thoughts and nightmares.Leave me to the dark little kingdom of my misery.My name doesn't matter. Call me George. Call her Anne. Or call her a slut, if you like. Call me a clown. I don't care.What she did doesn't need much explanation. It happened to a billion men before me. And another billion after me will see it happen to them. Unless the world decides to call it a day and puts an end to our collective misery.You won't need much explanation about what I did, either. It's over. I severed all the ties we had. All of them. The strong ties and the delicate ones. It made the blood flow. The sweet and pulsing blood of the heart.Mine mostly, I guess.I don't know about her. Did she bleed? I can't say. I really don't know a lot about her anymore. Maybe I never did. But I know I shall end up a. This, however, was something else -- a full-fledged “homosexual encounter.” Hearing that phrase in my own mind is what freaked me out. Like many straight people of my generation, my view of homosexuality had evolved over the years, from disdain or disgust to a sort of who-am-I-to-judge tolerance and a couple of real friendships with gay people. In my case the process was hastened by the guilty memory of those youthful encounters with my cousin. But being tolerant of homosexuality was one thing; doing it was another. To all this was added the guilt I felt about cheating on my wife. I really loved her and hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do. The fact that our sex life had begun to bore both of us was no excuse to play around. And even if I hadn't felt the guilt, which I did, there was the fear of getting caught. I knew from the experience of a couple of friends that an affair rarely stays secret forever. Yet none of these considerations kept me from replaying the.
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