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Suddenly she froze, "I can't. I'm sorry; oh God I'm sorry." I stopped moving and pulled her resistant frame into another embrace.As I kissed the nape of her neck and then her lips lightly, I whispered, "it's okay. I'm the one that is sorry (I really was). I don't want to hurt or scare you." As she squeezed me hard I added, "just sleep for a while. I'll finish cooking." She kissed me deeply then mouthed "thank you" as her eyes watered.At least she knew she could trust me now. Where my restraint had come from I still don't know; any other girl in the same circumstance would be fucked by now. But I treasured this girl and wanted to protect her, I wanted to be with her, I wanted to father children with her. Is this what love is? My friends use to call me Spock because of my unflappable persona. Well my Vulcan psyche was in cognitive dissonance, it was illogical.I rarely masturbated in those days, I kept busy enough. But that night I jacked off at least five times, filling my. ’ ‘Yes, Audrey,’ Paul said to himself, ‘give it all to me—I will take it. I have a space inside for it. I’ll bury it deep, with the rest of my sorrows. I can do this for you. You have youth, and sweetness and beauty. You should be happy.’ As Audrey continued to heave into his chest, Paul felt the demons of pain and guilt leave her and enter him. He plunged them down deep inside himself. There, they would reside silently forever, amidst the loss from Sally’s death, and the pain of Glenda ripped from him, of loneliness and isolation and all of the other hurts that he had ever seen and endured. He would entrap them there, never to be released, never to hurt others. He could not kill them, only battle and subdue them, and he was determined to do so. ************** The nurses heard Audrey’s cries and ran to her room. When they saw Paul holding her they stepped away, knowing that her purging was the best medicine that she could receive. Audrey was scheduled for release from the hospital.
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